Talking to a family member who's grieving

Grief is not linear. It doesn't have five stages you pass through and finish. Some days it's manageable, some days it's a wall. If someone you love is grieving, your job isn't to make it go away — it's to sit with them until they can carry it themselves.

What actually helps

Show up. Physical presence beats clever words. Sit next to them, make tea, don't fill the silence.
Say their loved one's name. Grieving people often feel like the person they've lost is being erased. Saying the name is a gift.
Ask specific questions instead of "how are you?" — "Have you eaten today?" "When did you last sleep?" "Would you like me to pick something up from the shop?"
Take on a task without asking. Do the dishes. Handle the school run. Grieving people can't make small decisions.

What almost always makes it worse

"They're in a better place now." Even when true theologically, it lands as dismissive.
"At least..." Nothing that follows "at least" helps. Cut the phrase from your vocabulary.
"I know how you feel." You don't. Even if you've lost someone yourself, their loss is not your loss.
"You need to move on." Grief moves at its own pace. Rushing it delays it.
Comparing losses. "When my father died I was still able to work." This is a competition nobody should be entering.

When to suggest professional support

Grief becomes complicated when it stops being a passing wave and starts being a fixed state. Look for these warning signs, and if you see them, suggest a therapist gently but firmly.

6+ months in and they can't function — sleep, eat, work, care for themselves or others.
Talking about wanting to die themselves, or believing they'll be reunited if they die.
Using alcohol, drugs, or gambling to cope in ways that are damaging.
Withdrawing completely from every person who loved them and their loved one.

How to phrase the suggestion

Not: "You need therapy." Try: "I've been thinking about you every day. There are people who specialise in exactly this kind of loss and I've been wondering if it might help to talk to one. Can I look up someone with you?"

Educational content, not medical advice. In an emergency, call 1166 or Rescue 1122.

What actually helps

Show up. Physical presence beats clever words. Sit next to them, make tea, don't fill the silence.

Say their loved one's name. Grieving people often feel like the person they've lost is being erased. Saying the name is a gift.

Ask specific questions instead of "how are you?" — "Have you eaten today?" "When did you last sleep?" "Would you like me to pick something up from the shop?"

Take on a task without asking. Do the dishes. Handle the school run. Grieving people can't make small decisions.

What almost always makes it worse

"They're in a better place now." Even when true theologically, it lands as dismissive.

"At least..." Nothing that follows "at least" helps. Cut the phrase from your vocabulary.

"I know how you feel." You don't. Even if you've lost someone yourself, their loss is not your loss.

"You need to move on." Grief moves at its own pace. Rushing it delays it.

Comparing losses. "When my father died I was still able to work." This is a competition nobody should be entering.

When to suggest professional support

Grief becomes complicated when it stops being a passing wave and starts being a fixed state. Look for these warning signs, and if you see them, suggest a therapist gently but firmly.

6+ months in and they can't function — sleep, eat, work, care for themselves or others.

Talking about wanting to die themselves, or believing they'll be reunited if they die.

Using alcohol, drugs, or gambling to cope in ways that are damaging.

Withdrawing completely from every person who loved them and their loved one.